I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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