Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Randomize
