And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
