she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
