I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize