Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Randomize
