my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
