Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
Why is your signature on my underwear?
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
