so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
