I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
