I met the friendliest cop last night
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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