Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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