look no pants
There is a new fb quiz: "are you at ypical woman, future ex or from crazy town" - should i take it?
Aren't all three of those the same though?
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
