Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
