My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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