We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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