Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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