I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Randomize
