Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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