sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
