my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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