I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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