I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
false alarm, still single
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
Randomize