my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
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