I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
