Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
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