the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Randomize
