I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
