Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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