Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Randomize