Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Randomize
