ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Randomize
