She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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