It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize