your parents love me but you hate me
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Randomize
