I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
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