I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
