one word: firstdatebathroomanal
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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