she was so not down for the gang bang
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
