Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
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