it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
of course. lets lasso hookers.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
