I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
