Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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