we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
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