I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I think I just shit out all my problems.
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