Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Randomize
