My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
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