i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
i've created a new STD.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
