I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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