I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Randomize
