we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
only if we run a train.
done.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
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