I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
