I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
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