Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
