my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
