My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
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