I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Randomize
