Fine. I'll sleep in my office
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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