Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
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