His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Randomize
