I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
