Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
