Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
