I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Randomize
