I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Randomize
