How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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