I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
