My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
Randomize
